I have struggled with depression since I was a teen. Back then it was inexplicable aside from the normal teenage things that bring you down. What I didn't realize then is that a lot of what I feel when I am depressed is actually in my control. It was during my second round of postpartum depression that I began to see my triggers and signals that would take me down a sad dark road. Because of this I was able to almost completely handle my PD after my 3rd pregnancy and not have any at all with number 4. However, I still fall into times of sadness that have little logic or reason.
As I lay in bed this morning I thought of how I had a great evening with my husband yesterday, that I get to text my best friend anytime and as often as I like even though I cant hang out with her, and how my other close friends are always there when I need them. And yet I did not want to get out of bed and face my day. The two reasons: 1. money (in all it's glory and absence and abundance and future life with me) 2. my kids... because they are demanding in 4 very different ways and it's difficult to be a mommy 4 different ways at the same time. And both of these things are tied up in anxiety which is my major trigger for depression. (It used to be the end result of my depression but has morphed into the trigger, strange eh?)
But dont worry. As I am trying to explain, I recognize my trigger. It allows me to maintain sanity and pleasantness. It gets me dressed even if I'm just going the safe comfy route. And it's going to help me get things on track. What I read today is
"If you can't face your life, then who can? If you don't have the skills to manage what's in your head and what's in your world, there's no one who can do it for you. As soon as you tell yourself you "can't," you must."
and
"thoughts
cause our feelings and behaviors, not external things, like people, situations,
and events. The benefit of this fact is that we can change the way we think to
feel / act better even if the situation does not change."
and
"Avoidance is a terrible coping mechanism. It instantly defines you as a victim by suggesting that somehow you can't cope with whatever is going on, as if you're a victim of life."
my outfit today:
shirt and vest both clearance maternity from target about $6 each
jeans - hand me downs from my sister
boots my happy target clearance find $12
necklace you can't see - hand made by me
redhead - "hand made" by me
2 comments:
"redhead - hand made by me" - love it! and sister, i do love those quotes [i just typed them into my phone notepad for quick reference when i need to be reminded]. if i were close i would drive over and bring hugs and craft supplies, but since i'm not i will just go ahead and mail your ornaments to you in a timely manner! xo and keep on keeping on :).
It's something about this time of year...we need a day off to play hooky from life!!!!
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